April 30, 2008

Transcendence


Dear Mom,

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of your passing. The photo above, of your beloved Seddon-Boulet, is what I had printed on the front of the order of service from your prayer service. Totally unconventional. Just like you. :)

This time of year is especially hard for me because not only is it the date of your passing, but also advertisements for Mother’s Day are at an all time high. Sure, I’m a mother, but it’s not what comes to mind when I see it plastered everywhere. My thoughts go straight to you.

Most days, thoughts of you leave me with a grin and a warm feeling in my heart.

Other days are so unbearably lonely without your presence. The wound is healing, but it still hurts.
Some days, it really fucking hurts.

Some days I’m angry.

I’m angry because you died at a young age. I’m angry because my daughter will not grow up having known her maternal grandmother. I’m angry because you can't hear your Domi fill the house with beautiful music from his piano. Just like you used to do.

I’m trying to release, and accept.
But many times, all I do is suppress. And think, I’ll deal with these feelings later.

Many days, I’m saddened because your children are now all so disconnected from one another at a time when they should be tighter than ever.

Some days, I feel free from the pain.

I miss you more than you can imagine. I miss our daily emails. I miss the way we'd ‘charlar’. I can’t bring myself to delete your old yahoo group from my list even though it’s inactive because I can go back and read through years of your beautiful posts. When I’m ready.

Your granddaughter is beautiful. She’s 2 and a fireball, just like you, (but without the red hair).

I light a candle for you today mamá, to honor you, and to help light the way on my path to healing.

Con luz y amor me despido,

Your Turtlemoon

9 comments:

Mia's Mama said...

My heart is with you today.
Listen to her beautiful windchimes :)
I love you.

Stephanie said...

That was so beautiful. My heart ached right along with you as I read this and tears are flowing from my eyes. I'm sorry for your pain.

Lots of love to you.

Melissa said...

My heart hurts for you today. May you find the peace that you do so much to give to others.

Love to you and your beautiful family.

C-man and Mama said...

Aww Mama! This is SO beautiful! I cannot imagine such a pain and am sorry that you lost your lovely mama far too soon! From everything you have said about her I can imagine that she would be SO proud of you! (((HUGS)))

Yvonne in Austin said...

I miss her too. I know she would be proud of you though, especially by living a more holistic life, just as she did! But, you and I both know she is here watching over you, and watching your children grow...and maybe even laughing a little too :)

X~O~X~O

Christina said...

What a beautiful tribute to a very special mother!

Vick said...

Your mom sounds like an amazing woman. After reading what people said about her in her eulogy, I admire her strength, her clarity and her determination. I'm so sorry, Andrea {hugs}

anja said...

What a beautiful post. Sweet Andrea, I am so sorry for your loss..your mama sounds like a wonderful woman, she is lucky to have a baby who loves her so. God bless you.

Lachelle said...

Oh man, Andrea. What beautiful sentiment. It left me crying and feeling so much as my grandmother (whom I lived with and was so close to) passed away August 29th last year. Like you, it hits me like a train every now and then. On those days, I have to hide under my covers, cry and pray. I have pictures all over of her so that I'm reminded, thinking that the memory of her might fade. Thank you for your thoughts as it is if you took the words right from my heart.